there's no time to cry

let's talk.
let's talk in particular, about losing things.
losing people, particularly.
i've lost two of the people closest to me recently. one in death, one in life.
when does my heart stop hurting? when do i not think of these people every day? it's like i think of them more now that they're gone.
one, i am better off without.
one, the world is a worse place without.
these obviously are both men, and i was hurt by both. and if the circumstances were reversed and one weren't dead and the other were and i had lost the other and.. i've confused myself, but you get what i mean. anyway, if the circumstances were reversed, my heart would be way worse off. but they're not, so i take what i'm given and i deal with it accordingly.
i wish he were still alive and i wish the other didn't hurt. but between you and me, i don't know if he does like he says he does. but what i do know concerning him, is that for my life to move on happily i must break contact with him. i wish it had not gone like it had, i wish i had not said some of the things i did. there was a nice, civil way to initiate radio silence and i did not use it. after years of built up and pent up resentment and hostility it's hard to be civil when i'm angry with him.
i wonder if that's what marraige is like? or any relationship for that matter? i wonder if that means we had a completely unhealthy relationship for all these years? (that's a joke, by the way. we had a ridiculously unhealthy relationship. duh.)
however, it is one that i have learned more from than any other. and i will always love him and have gracious feelings towards him. i just can never fall back to the person that i was when i was with him.
i hope he never reads this, and i don't think he will. and i don't want this to be misconstrued as... well. to quote cursive: 'the lament of pretty baby.'
i just want it to not hurt when these people cross my mind or not even cross my mind at all.

i leave you with some of 'the lament of pretty baby'

I don't want to be seen as a pretty thing
'Cause it's the pretty things that we're always breaking...


(And now she whispers into the mirror:) I'm broken.


Oh doctor, doctor, can you fix me, can you fix me?


Oh Pretty Baby, you're so naive -- but it comes off so cute
We don't want to fix you
We love you just the way you are
The butterfly pinned to the page
The nightingale locked in the cage -- won't you sing for me?
Sing for me..
Yeah, we love you just the way you are
Crushed 'neath fashion magazines
Trampled by circus pony dreams -- won't you kiss me?
Won't you kiss me?