it's always interesting to see where life takes you, isn't it? with posting the links to my old blogs, i started to reread (and laugh and laugh at) them and realize how much one learns by growing up. i have a birthday coming up and i'm dreading the number going up (and the grey hair multiplying and the wrinkles getting deeper and...), but i'm looking forward to growing up, even though i moan and groan about it all the time. it's really nice to gain the self assurance and experience that comes with every single day we live, even if it's the most boring day evah.
in particular, i've been thinking about my experiences with love and romance and how much i learn and take away from every single romantic interaction. after so many have gone so awry and so many hearts broken, it's nice to be able to find consolation in the fact that with all of those unmet expectations and mistakes comes reflection upon those lapses in judgement and miscalculations and hopefully, one day you'll be able to put those lessons to good use and maybe not completely foul up something that comes along that you really want to work.
i had a lover once in high school (and yes, i know you don't call them lovers in high school, leland) that i considered, and i guess still do, my first love. i didn't at the time realize that it was the awful, unrequited kind. i thought we were in love and would grow up and get married and the whole nine. what a laugh this has turned out to be. i would have done anything for that boy, just to make him feel for me as i did for him. turns out, what did the trick was me letting go of him. silly boys, she sighs...
then i had another lover, who was a struggling addict and with him, i had to clean up my act for fear that his way worse act would only worsen. i was right of course; for the first few months we lived in a haze of narcotics and contentment but after meeting the monster inside him a few times.. well, OH HELL NO. but he said he loved me, and we were great friends and so we stayed together, he got clean we started to work together & live together but i didn't trust him ever. not to go out, not to stay in; i felt i had to keep an eye on him all the damn time and that's just no fun. we split, he says it's because i was still in love with the former, i say it was because he was a lying snake that didn't know the meaning of respect. both of which are untrue, as we're both also two of the most stubborn people we know.
there was another in between those two that was one of my best friends before we started dating, and things were good there; we had the same friends, same interests (except his music; i'll never be into the screaming and he'll never hear anything other the amazing guitar riffs), but he up and moved to chicago with a few hours notice.
it's funny, through all of those (and the ones i didn't mention), the one i mentioned in the last post, the one across the country, i always wanted him. it was never the right time when we lived in the same city because we didn't know that each other wanted the other, and then once we did know i was 'in love' and he was moving states away. we kept in touch off and on, through crazy girlfriends and visits to the school counselor and mixtapes.. jump to a few months-ish ago, i get an email from him. it'd been a while but i was so glad to hear from him, just so glad to hear he was well and that he still thought of me from time to time. turns out, i'd been in one of his dreams.. coincidentally, we were moving to completely opposite sides of the country on the same day. he came back to visit me and... fastforward to right now, i'm sitting here in the southeast, he's in the northwest and i want nothing more than to be with him. and i really really really want nothing more than to mess it up! we both have had to learn hard lessons through our failed relationships.. so i ask you this, dear readers, how the FUCK do you make a relationship work? how do i make him make up his mind this instant to come to me, to realize that life is too short not to? without pressuring him, of course. without bugging the shit out of him and making him loathe the sound of my voice asking him to uproot his new beginnings and start a new adventure with me? how unfair of me?! i know, i know.. it's terrible of me to even ask such a thing of him. it's so selfish and i kind of loathe the sound of these keys and the meaning of these words i type. but i do, i just want him. as my own, finally.
i dated a guy, "dated" used very lightly, every once in a while for the past couple of years, we'll say i knew this guy. anyway. i knew this guy for the past couple of years who had built the most elaborate of defenses around his heart, mind, soul, his very being. it was unreal the labyrinth that this guy was. it became almost a game to me to try to get through these defenses, which was fine with him as he was just gonna disappear anyway and he knew that. what i didn't know, until the last few months of his life was why. and that's because he was dying. no really, he was. for years he came up with these seemingly outlandish excuses that i never believed so i talked to his friends when i'd see them and slyly attempt to pry validation, and they always delivered. oh how it bugged me.. but never ever did i consider that he was dying and that's why he ran every time anyone got near his intricately built walls. i'd like to say i was beside him until the day he died, but i can't. he disappeared again after he confided in me about his condition and he was an epic asshole every time i attempted to speak to him to get my things back or to just see how he was, which i won't lie, it was usually to get my things back. and then, one day a couple of months ago, he died. i've known people that have died before, and yeah, i think of my grandfather all the time but never has someone's passing effected me so tremendously. he was 26 years old when he died and he'd been expecting to die everyday for the past 15 years or so. and he never let anyone love him. he said he'd only told seven people besides his family about his condition, something that of course was later validated by a mutual friend. he didn't want to be treated differently, and i understand that. what i don't understand is his not living every day of his life to the fullest that it could have been just because he didn't want to hurt the people around him. he didn't want to people to hurt when he inevitably left this life, so he pushed them away and hurt them while he was still here. with his death came the understanding of a theory that we've all heard time and again, that "live every day like it were your last" one. know that one? well.. it's taken on a new meaning to me. and i'm still working on it, as i'm not living every day like it was my last, i'll be honest. lately i'm a lazy slug. but that's not the point.
so what is the point, you ask? my point, at least i think, is this: i just want him. i've wanted him for upwards of 12 years.
i have this rule, that i put into action my senior year in high school when i found the perfect pair of slouchy brown boots and didn't get them after visiting them multiple times, that if i'm still thinking about an item after a predetermined amount of time that i go back and purchase it.
now, i know that this man and our relationship is not the perfect pair of slouchy brown boots with a round toe and the perfect shade of buttery soft chocolate leather (half off, too). it's way unspeakably beyond better than that, if you can imagine.
it's think about him all the time, still taste his kiss on my lips, can't wait to find out what the next words out his mouth are gonna be or hear his laugh or find out something new about his wacky grandparents. it's a love story, baby, just say yes...
see? it's so bad it makes me sing taylor swift. and shhh, don't tell, but i even kind of like it.
finding the perfect brown boots again would be easier than this. but i'd give up all of my lovely shoes and be barefoot forever if it would make him mine.
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