so i'm kind of mesmerized at this life that's going by in a blur. dreamy house, dreamy man, dreamy (sometimes) job in a dreamy (sometimes) town.
it's so nuts that i met this man so long ago and hadn't seen him in so long and now i live and love with him every single glorious day. it's magical really, how the world works sometimes. i never thought in a million years we'd end up here, and now that we have i wouldn't have it any other way. if i could take back the many, many missteps and misfortunes i've had along the way but it meant never getting to here, i wouldn't dare. it's been a long time since i've been truely content with life and it's a really nice change, i must say.
the only things i'd like more of is live music and money, but don't we all wish that?
and the house, let me tell you. this stupid, dreamy house. it's going to be so lovely, especially in the spring and when we get the hammock, but right now all this stupid unpacking sucks and getting the landlord to do anything is a task in itself and we need so much more furniture.. it's so empty. i feel like it's lonely.. but you don't have to sweep around or underneath things as much!
trivial fussing aside, i love the man and a patient called me specifically to apologize today, which is unheard of, and life is good. not great, but good. but really good.

how does he always know just the right thing to say? and how long has it been since someone has made me laugh so? i don't think ever. it makes me feel like wearing pink. there's a first time for everything, i guess (and a better reason than any other i can think of to go shopping). you can't see it, but my smile won't stop.

sooooo...
big changes to come. and. i. cannot. wait.
i can also not wait to get out of this apartment! and into a bigger, shared place! not this this apartment is bad, it's very "cozy," and it is. despite my sarcasm, it is cozy. but as we know, cozy does mean small.
*sidenote: heidi montag's mom just called her a brilliant, articulate woman. just thought that'd amuse you.
i'm so totally excited to start a life with someone. especially someone i've wanted to be with for so very long.
had a birthday this past weekend.. it was the best. birthday. ever. hands down. portland is a lovely place, with a lovely person and his family and beautiful flowers. i'm not much on the weather. it was a lovely sight to behold stepping out of ILM and into the sun and sea breeze. i just really love heat. i don't know why; always have. yknow how in the summertime when your car has been sitting in a parking lot all day and you get in and the heat is overwhelming? yeah, i love that. thought, i won't lie, i do only love it for about two minutes, then i gotta roll down the windows and let it escape before i die.
in completely unrelated news: i keep  buying these sheer tops and not wearing them, i just love them. i purchased a vintage acid green one yesterday and I WILL rock that shit. oh yes, i will. it's color and it's vintage and it's sheer and it's wonderful. how could i not? i think it's an easier vow to make to wear these transparent tops than it is to wear color. so i'll start there. good starting point. i think.
love is crazy shit, too. in case you didn't know. how another human being can matter so much in your life is insane. whether it be your family, your lover, your spouse, your best friend. whatever. it's crazy shit. selfishness is completely overrated, though, and love is the perfect antidote.
what it that pigpen says?

i know you've heard it. hear it again. duh.

Today, I again made a decision to wear more color. Will I? No. I will not. Do I know this? Obviously. Trite, yes. Still, this is the only thing that I'm like this with. If a person doesn't want to do something, they won't do it. Fact, yes? Yes. So, saying you're going to do something you don't really want to do is somewhat ineffective, unless you're being paid to do it. Right? Right.
This is why I don't make New Year's resolutions. Yet, here I am saying I'm gonna wear more color. Yeah, right. 
This is not something Rev. Run would permit; my apologies.
If only everything were so black and white. And beige.

may i just say that it was so good to talk to you tonight. yes, you! it'd been too long.
may i also just say that i have felt so much better since yesterday. since ridding myself of so many nostalgic pieces of clothing. and i cannot wait to bleach the one piece that i kept into oblivion?
do you do that? make really silly symbolic statements that make total sense in your brain but when you try to put them into words they sound quite stupid (plus, bonus: hopefully when bleached into oblivion this particular tee will start to tear and maybe even resemble those holey balmain's that go for $1000+.. we'll see.)?
i am starting a new job tomorrow, too. i love that i'm starting over. a lot of people don't take a second chance or don't get one at all. and it's not like i completely screwed up the life that i had to begin with, i just couldn't live it anymore. well. more like i couldn't stand to. i could have, just not happily or healthfully. and i haven't been taking full advantage of it yet and i keep saying i'm going to.. but i've been waiting on a stable income, really. i'd love to act like money doesn't matter but we all know that money matters a lot. i don't need lots of excess money to be happy (although, honestly, who would mind some?), but i do need a home and stability to be happy and that requires me to pay rent. so.. yknow. income i must have. so between cutting him out of my life, talking to you today (i must admit, i was worried you'd forgotten about me.. and it was saddening. very saddening.) and starting work tomorrow things are looking up. we'll have to see about this job and if it really is as good as they make it out to be, because, well.. are they ever really?
i guess those were all stresses that have really been weighing on me lately.. it's nice to have them lifted. it's nice to remember that things change. even though i take such comfort in stability, it's nice to recognize that there's a certain stability to change; that is that things will always change, they'll never stay the same forever. when things are bad, they'll (hopefully) get better and usually when things are good, sometimes they fall. and with those pitfalls, comes good again. and you know what they say, 'without the sweet, you can't appreciate the sour.'