Ahh... The sigh of relief that is fall.
Oh, how welcome it is. Unlike the crying child in exam lane one.
Tweed blazers and scarves and Clinique Black Honey Almost Lipstick... the list goes on. It's really strange not being in Arkansas, though, and sad almost. There's not a more lovely and perfect place (in America) than Arkansas in the fall. I don't care what you say about the Northeast and Northwest.. I believe you, I'm just still right about Arkansas.
I've refashioned some old ballet flats with grosgrain ribbon and insoles and the dusty pink color is so wearable.. I wasn't expecting it but they're so comfortable it's like not wearing shoes and now I wear them everywhere. The little bow adds a touch of whimsy, even. What better whimsy is there than grosgrain whimsy? None, better, I say.
Also, I've been slacking on the fashion parts, or any part, really of Alice D. Millionaire. I'm having trouble devoting the time and attention that it takes to have a educated opinion about fashion, regrettably, and am thinking of morphing it into a cooking blog.
We'll see where this season takes us.. So far I could've posted about a beautiful plum tart, the most perfect chocolate cake with spiced frosting and a most delicious and fall looking roasted root vegetable 'rustic puree' aka mashed and whipped because I don't own and immersion blender or food processor. But it was tasty!

originally posted via livejournal 2007.01.14 at 22:58

dont know what to do. i dont know what to do.



i act like i'm tough and i can take it when inside i'm crying. i'm crying out for help and to be loved and for someone not to break my heart. my spirit is so close to being broken, to being shattered, to being smothered forever, never to return. i fear for my future. that people will never know the rachel that had passion, that had love, that had happiness not based upon her surroundings and situations. i once was a lovely girl, i was. i cared about people and i cared about myself. i don't know that lovely girl anymore, the one that had genuine creativity, the one that had genuine passion for life, just to live life no matter what the circumstances. the only girl i now know is the one that wants a blunt to forget about it all, that wants a shot to drown it, that wants a boy to cover it up, that wants, that wants, that wants. i don't desire. i don't yearn. i just want want want. fuck that. fuck me. when will i be happy? when will i be genuine? how did this happen? how did i become this shell of a girl? this shell of a person? i don't even remember. i killed all those brain cells back in high school. and here i sit this night wishing i could do it all again. wishing that it were that easy and that i didn't care. now i care and i can't stand it all. i can't stand this sitting here by myself night after night. i can't stand this watching my friends become alcoholics, worse and worse, day after bloodsucking day, this great decay. my decaying heart, my decaying senses, my decaying thoughts, brain, being. i don't know what to do. tell me what to do. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do with myself. with my heart. with my head. with all of the love that i have to give. i want my heart back, bitch! that's all he was. why didn't i see it? how many of you told me so? and now, here i am again. crying to you, dear computer screen, dear readers. i'm so sorry to you all. i use you and throw you away just like i have been. thrown into the wind, not cared about unless i can provide pleasure. and how i love to bring pleasure. how i love to get you off. no, not him, but you. yes, you. it's you i love, not love, but cherish. i cherish that you care, not him, but you. yes, you. it's you i want. could you be the next him? if you treat me like he has, no, it's not you, you're not him. if you treat me how i deserve, you could be. i feel you are, i don't know why. i don't even know you, yet you could be. how could it be? i don't know. you've done something to my brain. you do something to me.. something deep inside. i used to love music. did you know that? i used to love art and music and life! i used to have passion! for living! for hurting! for feeling! where did it go? what happened to me! i'm washed up! never again will i be that girl! for that, i only have myself to blame. i let myself become that shell. i let myself be stomped on time after time. and not cyndi lauper style. hard style. stomped into the ground. down to middle earth. but not rivendell, mordor. flames and all. death and all. pain and all! i used to be lovely, now i'm nothing. now i'm failing. now i'm not trying. now i want more than anything to get out. to be finished. to get back to life! can you help me, dear reader? can you help me find the girl i used to be? you all know that girl, otherwise you wouldn't be livejournal friends. i know you know. question is, do i? do i know that girl anymore? i do i just know the blunt smoking, pain numbing, shot taking imbecile of a girl, shell of a girl, watching television, reading magazines, not caring, just hurting, not caring, just wishing, wishing for it all to go away, wishing for it all to subside, wishing for you to be him, for you to take it away. when really i have to be him. i have to take it away. i have to do this. myself. on my own. but will you be there to help? will you be there to stand beside me? oh, oh my dear reader, how i would love it if you would.

so i'm kind of mesmerized at this life that's going by in a blur. dreamy house, dreamy man, dreamy (sometimes) job in a dreamy (sometimes) town.
it's so nuts that i met this man so long ago and hadn't seen him in so long and now i live and love with him every single glorious day. it's magical really, how the world works sometimes. i never thought in a million years we'd end up here, and now that we have i wouldn't have it any other way. if i could take back the many, many missteps and misfortunes i've had along the way but it meant never getting to here, i wouldn't dare. it's been a long time since i've been truely content with life and it's a really nice change, i must say.
the only things i'd like more of is live music and money, but don't we all wish that?
and the house, let me tell you. this stupid, dreamy house. it's going to be so lovely, especially in the spring and when we get the hammock, but right now all this stupid unpacking sucks and getting the landlord to do anything is a task in itself and we need so much more furniture.. it's so empty. i feel like it's lonely.. but you don't have to sweep around or underneath things as much!
trivial fussing aside, i love the man and a patient called me specifically to apologize today, which is unheard of, and life is good. not great, but good. but really good.

how does he always know just the right thing to say? and how long has it been since someone has made me laugh so? i don't think ever. it makes me feel like wearing pink. there's a first time for everything, i guess (and a better reason than any other i can think of to go shopping). you can't see it, but my smile won't stop.

sooooo...
big changes to come. and. i. cannot. wait.
i can also not wait to get out of this apartment! and into a bigger, shared place! not this this apartment is bad, it's very "cozy," and it is. despite my sarcasm, it is cozy. but as we know, cozy does mean small.
*sidenote: heidi montag's mom just called her a brilliant, articulate woman. just thought that'd amuse you.
i'm so totally excited to start a life with someone. especially someone i've wanted to be with for so very long.
had a birthday this past weekend.. it was the best. birthday. ever. hands down. portland is a lovely place, with a lovely person and his family and beautiful flowers. i'm not much on the weather. it was a lovely sight to behold stepping out of ILM and into the sun and sea breeze. i just really love heat. i don't know why; always have. yknow how in the summertime when your car has been sitting in a parking lot all day and you get in and the heat is overwhelming? yeah, i love that. thought, i won't lie, i do only love it for about two minutes, then i gotta roll down the windows and let it escape before i die.
in completely unrelated news: i keep  buying these sheer tops and not wearing them, i just love them. i purchased a vintage acid green one yesterday and I WILL rock that shit. oh yes, i will. it's color and it's vintage and it's sheer and it's wonderful. how could i not? i think it's an easier vow to make to wear these transparent tops than it is to wear color. so i'll start there. good starting point. i think.
love is crazy shit, too. in case you didn't know. how another human being can matter so much in your life is insane. whether it be your family, your lover, your spouse, your best friend. whatever. it's crazy shit. selfishness is completely overrated, though, and love is the perfect antidote.
what it that pigpen says?

i know you've heard it. hear it again. duh.